Grieving and the Holidays
Frequently Asked Questions
by Jason B. Luoma, Ph.D.
        
The process of grieving is unique to each person. Research has shown that there are no universally experienced stages of grief. There is no “right way” to grieve. One common myth is that if one “really loved” the deceased, then grief should be intense. In reality, the intensity of a person’s grief is unrelated to the intensity of their love for the deceased.

While most people find that grief does decrease steadily over time, some people do seem to experience prolonged grief, which usually manifests itself in disabling depression-like symptoms. For these people, seeking counseling or psychotherapy from a professional would be advised.

1. Why do some people find that grief is more intense around the holidays?   
Holiday festivities and increased contact with family and friends often serve to remind survivors of the deceased.  These reminders often trigger feelings and memories connected to the deceased. In addition, some people may experience real or imagined pressure to appear happy and upbeat, even when they are not feeling this way.

2. Do people who are grieving tend to react differently to the holidays over time?
Most people experience that the intensity of their grief decreases over time. While feelings of a loss are normal even years later, a full grief syndrome is quite rare. While many people find that the holidays can bring back loss-related feelings and memories, these experiences generally recede over time.

3. How can a grave be important in the grieving process?
Some research suggests that maintaining a sense of a continuing bond with the deceased can be helpful in coping with loss. Having a physical location to visit which has symbolic significance might help serve this function. I’m not aware of any research that suggests that this would be more important at one stage of the process or another. My thought would be that if someone who is grieving feels that this is important for them, then they should go ahead and do it.  

4. Why is decorating a grave important to some people?
The ritual of decorating a grave might have an important symbolic meaning for some people. First, it might help grieving individuals to continue to feel some sense of connection to the deceased, who has been an important person in their life. Second, such decoration may help people to stay connected to and comforted by religious beliefs they have regarding death and an afterlife.

5. What general advice do you give to people grieving through the holidays?
It is normal to have feelings or memories related to a loss show up during the holiday season. Often people feel that they should be “over” the loss or that grief related feelings are inappropriate during this time. In contrast, my advice would be that it’s important to make room for these feelings and memories and to refrain from suppressing them or pushing them away. In addition, some people try to cope with these feelings by withdrawing from important holiday activities or relationships. I would encourage them to continue to participate in holiday activities they have found important in the past, even while feeling sad or blue. It is possible to feel sad over a loss, honor the deceased, and continue to live one’s life. In fact, memories of the deceased can be a reminder of the continuing importance of those people still in our lives, while the holiday season can be an opportunity to recommit to making those relationships the most they can be.